There are those moments in life and when you feel them happen, you are aware that you encounter your yesterdays and your tomorrows overlapping each other. I am often aware of those days every fall right around the time that school starts. The season starts to feel different, you get the sense that there is change in the air. A moment happens when two seasons begin to melt together, like crayons left in the hot summer car. 

 There have been other moments in life where I have encountered this melting of seasons. Somehow these moments leave a mark on my soul. The smell of oatmeal cookies remind me of waking up from naps as a little girl, and sharing cuddle time with my older sister feeling the need to cuddle and outgrowing it at the same time. Watching kids ride bikes in the summer months reminds me of the days when I was the bicyclist with my best friend. Some of the dearest times captured have been the do nothing days of living.

We have memories that we share with a larger community. I remember watching my Grannies black and white T.V. and a strong little boy saluting the flag on His daddy’s coffin. It made me very sad listening to the big people in my life grieve over the “Shame that such a good president had been killed.”  September 11^th  2001, the moments of terror etched in our minds and I can remember the exact moment standing in front of the TV when the space-shuttle exploded in 1985. Moments when something in time freezes and you create a sculpture of this memory.

September 21, 1984, was one of those times when the seasons of my life melted  together in a timeless moment.  Forever leaving a mark on my heart. A moment that my past and my future met Face to face.

It shouldn’t  have surprised me – I had known it was coming for 9 months.

We had prepared the crib with the quilt and bumper pads that I had bravely created myself. Repainted an old dresser white, lined the drawers with white shelf paper,and placed all the tiny little socks, gowns, and onesie’s in it. I had been anticipating this day, as restless as a child on Christmas Eve. But, now that the womb was opening I felt the transition of life seasons and the anticipation was contracting into anxiety. And, that night as I walked through the house, checking the door locks, and examining to see if everything was ready.  I stopped frozen, by the question  “Was I really ready?” I stood in the dark  thinking, “I would not come home the same woman that stood here right now.”

I had resisted motherhood, behaving  just like our German Shepherd dog when we opened the door to the Vet’s office. She would put on the breaks, sit on her hind legs and have to be dragged into the office. I could hear the echo’s of my childhood much too loudly, mostly the sounds of a young girl’s heart waiting for someone to listen when there was more noise than she could bear. There were the disappointments of watching and listening at school lunches for someone to show up to share the special meals with me. The plays and concerts as a teenager scanning the crowd for a smile designated for me alone. Disappointment ate at my heart like a worm munching on plant leaves.  What would I see as I looked back in the years to come, what reflection would I see in my child’s eyes? Would I harvest the fruit of the seeds I held in my soul or would there be new seeds to sow? I prayed the seeds I held in my life looked nothing like the fruit that would grow in his. Would they produce the same crop for future generations or could these seeds fall to the ground and die, producing a new harvest of fruit from my womb?

As this melting of  my past and future  flowed through my mind, I realized that I had found the restroom in every store in town, what a benefit that would be for a potty training toddler. I was getting used to fewer and fewer nights of uninterrupted sleep, something I was aware that babies rarely did also. I knew I had  learned  some things from my parent’s  missed opportunities; missing school lunches was not an option for me, I wanted my child to hear my footsteps in his classroom as often as the teacher would allow. Every game, concert, awards ceremony, and  school play there would be one very large smile  designated for him alone as he scanned the crowd. I would be the student and this child would teach me how to become a mom.

Now what had only been a leap in my womb was letting it be known, the world he lived in was officially too small. He had outgrown everything, my clothes, my body, there was an enlarging taking place. I felt the tug of war and staying where we were was no longer an option, this tug was larger than my ability to stop it.  Life was forcing our growth into a family that would allow his life to enlarge to the point that even our home would no longer hold him. It was time to step from this moment into the amazing gift of our tomorrows. I had already fallen in love with this child nestled inside me.  I was learning to love unconditionally, it had to be unconditional love, he had not given me anything except long nights, leg cramps, enlarging middle and constant bathroom breaks. My space was not mine, not even my own body.

Standing in the dark  I saw that the rocker was ready, sitting with outstretched arms waiting to comfort both mother and child. The nursery was prepared, powder and lotion set armed and ready for the endless diaper  war.

A Mother was being born in the next few hours.

The last few years I have made many decisions that I was not sure what the right thing to do was. As I have taken on the responsibilities of  caring for an Elderly Aunt, making decisions about where she should live and how to provide for her with limited income. Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s this last year as well, she isn’t to the point of severe memory loss, but enough that she no longer was able to pay her bills,care for her home, make life decisions about daily maintenance of home and person.  In all these decisions my siblings and I have had to decide when to move her, where to move her and how to provide for her on a limited income as well.

When it came time to move Mom, she was argumentative and we found ourselves wavering on what to do. We knew we had to move her,but she and her sister and sisters family had suggestions otherwise. It is impossible to fulfill others wishes their way when they don’t want to actually help you, but just tell you how you should do things.

I often found myself in prayer seeking wisdom from God on how to honor her, provide for her and do the right thing for her.

Scripture can often feel vague and unhelpful. I would have to find time to wait and listen, asking, seeking and needing the Holy Spirit to reveal the wisdom in scripture that would help make that days decisions.

One of the best lessons learned for me is confirmation that “His ways are not our ways, nor His thoughts our thoughts”  Is. 55.

I found myself one morning seeking confirmation that moving mom was best for her, even if she hated the idea.  My prayer time led me to read about Abigail and Nabal in 1 Samuel 25. Abigail was married to Nabal and Nabal was know as a harsh and evil man, actually his name means fool. David had come to Nabal asking for his help and for provision for his men and animals, Nabal denied David help. David was enraged and had arranged for his men to attack and destroy Nebal and his family. Abigail heard about Nebal’s foolishness and she arranged delivery of supplies to David’s troops.  Abigail, did all this without Nebal’s permission, and David in gratitude thanked her and told her she had saved the household of Nebal.

Now you most likely are as confused as I was about how this pertained to us moving Mom. I sat listening and wondering what the Lord was trying to say. In the waiting this is what I heard, ” Sometimes you have to go around fools to do the right thing.”

We were doing the right thing, Mom’s memory loss had stolen her ability to make wise choices, her sister and her children were not understanding this and not helping us at all.

 Proverbs 1:7
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom

The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.
Proverbs 12:15

 

Mom was unable to think wisely and it was our responsibility to seek the Lord for wisdom and instruction on what and how to provide for her.  We must proceed on in this decision.

As of today it is more and more clear that this was the best option for her, she is still unhappy a lot of the time, but her home is sold, her finances are now sufficient for her to live well, and she is being looked after.

Often I run across other scripture that confirms again and again that The Lord does not do things the way man does, and to do the right thing we often displease the world and those that love it.

His ways are not our ways,

Tanya

Just a quick thought on a phrase I read today, ” I Am the Message.”
The thought of me being the message has sent my mind into a whirlwind of thoughts.

What Message am I sending?

to be continued……    

I read a ‘Focus On The Family’ magazine article on Doubt. The article had several quotes that I have kept on a piece of paper and I found it today. I was blessed to read the quotes and decided to put them in a more permanent form here on the blog.

In his book “The Gift of Doubt,” Gary Parker writes;

“If  faith never encounters doubt, if truth never struggles with error, if good never battles with evil, how can faith know it’s own power?”  In my own pilgrimage, if I have to choose between a faith that has stared doubt in the eye and made it blink, or a naive faith that has never known the firing line of doubt, I will choose the former every time.”

” Christ often allows me to feel just enough emotional discomfort from my doubts that I looked to Him for relief. If you often ask God questions —not to prove Him wrong, but to prove Him right—- your questions can lead you to greater faith.”

” For doubt to be beneficial it must always give way to faith. this means that if He does not provide the specific answers we are looking for, we will trust Him with what we can’t understand.”

” Though doubt can feel like a bully that presses us into a corner, it can be a friend when we allow it to drive us deeper into the arms of God for the answers to our questions.”

Now that I have almost quoted the whole article I will quit.  This is my final thought, and my hope that I will hold onto and  walk out.

I think I often feel bullied by doubt, but in the end I need to see that doubt can be used to press me into the arms of God. If I will continue to turn to God for the answers, one day Doubt will get the message that God is using it to draw me closer to HIM, and doubt will leave me alone.

Tanya

All the smells of fall have started me thinking about the way smells brings with them a host of memories. I love the  fall and memories that come with the  smell of cookies, of sharpened pencils, of new books, pumpkin bread, simmering soups, morning dew, so many memories of my life are tied up in these simple smells.

I have started making fresh bread in my bread machine again. Pure delicious no preservative wheat bread. Oh my goodness when it starts baking we are delighted with the warm homey delicious smell. I wish that fragrance would linger forever in my home.

This morning as I eat my toast and peanut butter for breakfast my heart was struck with the memories of  a precious lesson God taught me when my sons were small. The smell of the fresh bread lifted the memory out of my mind as the aroma permeates my home.

I had just become a believer in Jesus when my youngest was a toddler, I was 33 years old and I was very aware of my lack as a Mom. I wanted to bring up my sons in the way they should go like scripture said, but this young Mom was not even able to walk in that way herself. I felt years behind and like there was no way to catch up. I struggled with a sense of hopeless defeat. I knew I didn’t want to give my sons the same start that I had, but I was not even aware of all that was wrong nor how to correct what I was aware of.

I began to move towards a quiet time everyday, to enter into some very timid prayers out of desperation, not fully aware that the LORD would hear me much less care to answer.  I just knew I was without hope if He didn’t, because this girl was a mess.

I bought my first bible and in the few moments early in the morning began to venture onto that path that I hoped would lead me to know Him and learn to walk in the Way I should go. I began to risk more and more, seeking him for answers on how to teach, discipline, encourage, and create life with these two young boys I loved with all my heart.

One day as I drove down 98th street the boys were fighting in the back seat of the car, my knee jerk response was to pull the car over and spank them or turn the car around and go home. I didn’t want to live by knee jerks any longer I wanted to live guided by the Holy Spirit. So I silently sought ‘HELP.’  In one of those precious moments when the Voice of God permeates through your mind unseen like the smells of fresh bread  can permeate your home. I heard Him, not audible but I did hear Wisdom give me what I needed.

I heard the Lord talk to me about Fresh Bread. He shared the thoughts about my Mom serving her children the only bread she had, even though the bread she had was old and stale and even had mold on it. I didn’t want to feed my son’s old, stale, moldy bread, but it was all I had because it was all I had been given. I couldn’t give something that I had not received. He went on to share with me that HE was the  ”BREAD of LIFE” fresh life giving bread. If I would continue to come to Him DAILY He would give me fresh bread to give my sons. Daily was the highlighted word, because like bread baked at home that has no preservatives and will go bad quickly, His life was always fresh and it was for that day. Oh how this made so much sense after reading the scriptures talking about the Manna in the wilderness being just enough for that day in Exodus, and Jesus saying , ” I Am the BREAD of Life,” and the LORD’s Prayer asking ” Give us this day our Daily Bread” in  Matthew 6:11.  I wanted Emotional, Spiritual, and Wise  FRESH BREAD to give my children, I wanted it DAILY.

There are few smells that delight my soul as much as the smell of Fresh Bread baking in the oven. There is nothing better than dining on hot fresh bread and yes real butter. But, there is NOTHING in this world that sustains, leads, makes us wise, or gives us life than the bread that comes from time in HIS Presence, reading scripture, listening to our hearts next to HIS heart, receiving the BREAD Of LIFE.

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God—Jn1:12

Tanya